How to tell your wife that you want to get a divorce

How to tell your wife that you want to get a divorceHow to tell your wife that you want to get a divorceThe messiness ofdivorcehas been well documented. Theattorneys, thecustody battles, dividing everything up. But when you are sure - absolutely sure - you want to go through with one, how do you tell your spouse you want a divorce? In movies, its often blurted out in the midst of a heatedargument, with one mann an ihrer seite or the other dramatically shouting, I want a divorce But in life, things tend to go a bit differently.And, if you wantthe ensuing legal battleto be civil, its in ones best interest to take pause and really determine how to tell the person they vowed to spend the rest of their life with that its over. So how does one deliver this particularly life-altering bit of news?Theres no one way to do it. But there are some guidelines to keep in mind.Timing is everythingTo say that telling your lebenspartner you want a divorce is delicate is an understatement. It is an e normous decision, one that, when broached, will alter both of your lives forever. As such, you want to make sure that you choose to have the conversation at a time when your partner is emotionally capable of receiving the news. In other words, dont tell them you want a divorce when theyrestressedor emotional. You know your partner better than anyone, so dont make the disastrous mistake of bringing up divorce in the middle of an important life event, advises relationship coachAlice Wood. Be patient and remember that the announcement can wait until a moment when its impact will be the least damaging. Is this obvious? Yes. But its essential.Find the right locationIdeally, you want to break the news in a private, quiet space. Dont have theconversationin a crowded restaurant or even at home when the kids are in the next room. Benjamin Valencia II, a partner and certified family law specialist at Meyer, Olson, Lowy, and Meyerssuggests that, if thecouple is in therapy, the therapists offic e might be a good location. In this way, both parties can feel tresor and free to ask questions and/or gain an understanding of what the other cocktailparty is thinking without erupting into an argument, he says. Further, the therapist can help create healthy boundaries moving forward which can prove invaluable when the going gets tough.Avoid detailsWhen the time is right to bring up the topic of divorce, Kelly A. Frawley and Emily S. Pollock, partners at the law firm Kasowitz Benson Torres and specialists in matrimonial and family law, suggest not getting into details or specifics of how the divorce will work,custody arrangementsor anything other specifics, as they will only overwhelm your partner further. If he or she is just hearing about the possibility of divorce for the first time, they say, dont go in details about how you are going to divide the brokerage account, who should have the kids for Christmas this year, or how you are already looking for a new apartment. The key is to give the person time to digest the concept, show emotion, and ask questions.Choose your wordsTelling your partner you want a divorce is undoubtedly difficult. Theres no need to make it worse by blaming your spouse for their shortcomings or using phrases like, You should have, You dont, or You didnt. You also need to be honest about what youre feeling and why you believe this decision is the right one. So, whentalking about divorce,you have to be specific in your language - this isnt the time to be vague. If your words are ambiguous, you may leave your spouse/partner with a glimmer of hope that the marriage can be saved, when that is not your intention, says Craig S. Pedersen, a partner at Meyer, Olson, Lowy and Meyers. That can only create further problems down the line.Acknowledge your mutual unhappinessEven if a divorce is more one-sided, chances are that neither party in the marriage is particularly thrilled about the way things have been going. With this in mind, its wise t o open the conversation by laying the cards on the tabled. I usually will suggest that they start the conversation with a statement such as As you know, I have not been happy in the marriage for a long time. I also think you have not been happy either, says New York divorce lawyerJacqueline Newman, author of theSoon to be Exseries of books. If the other person can acknowledge that he or she is also unhappy, it makes it an easier conversation to have as it is not so one-sided.Consider a team approachRather than focusing on the fact that you and your partner are separating, its essential to shift the perspective a bit and talk about how you both will work together to make this whole process as easy as possible. Divorce does not have to be a battle, reminds Valencia. Especially if you have children, your common goal should be what is in their best interests. Approaching a divorce by listing the common goals will help both parties realize they are in this together and cooperating behoov es both of them.Thisarticlewas originally published on Fatherly.